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home bisexuality bi the way – about contact us bi the way an exploration of male bisexuality feb 18 2012 the importance of the right environment to ‘come out’ into published by bitheway under coming out yesterday the lgbt press was literally cooing at the news of a 7 year-old boy coming out as ‘gay’. ‘amelia’ a blogger for the huffington post recounts the story of how her 7 year-old son decided to tell her quite nonchalantly that he was gay. it’s a big of an ongoing saga and its well worth reading the related posts on the subject too if you want to get a full understanding of the circumstances that led to this boy’s decision to declare himself gay. just like amelia, you can probably wonder if this will be the last word on this boy’s orientation, but one thing is not in doubt, amelia has created an environment where her son feels comfortable, nay, confident in telling her he is ‘gay’ and it got me wondering. if i had that environment as a child would i have felt more comfortable coming out? its not exactly like parents were intolerant of gay people; we had neighbours who were gay, we chatted with them made polite conversation, but i wouldn’t say my youth was filled with gay role models. my parents explained homosexuality in a way i suppose they thought was best. “some men want to get married to other men.” this was long before gay-marriage was legal anywhere so typically this was qualified with, “but they can’t, so they just live together like they were married.” as a 9 year-old this gave me a pretty clear idea of what being gay was all about. people who were married lived together and slept in the same bed, they also kissed and called each other ‘love’. that was being married was all about in my 9 year-old brain so adapting this to two guys instead of a man and a woman was pretty easy. but equally there was something else, something that clearly told me this was not a normal state of affairs, maybe it was the way my mother said “some men…” with a strained emphasis on the word “some”. maybe it was the way my father sneered and used the word “poofter” in a condescending way. all i know is i was left with the impression that it wasn’t entirely ok to be gay. at the time this wasn’t hugely damaging to my psyche, i was more interested in playing gi joe with my brother than figuring out my orientation. however, by the time i was trying to figure out my orientation, i was crippled. i felt had no safe place to talk about my feelings even though, my mum (if not my dad), would have been sympathetic had i not been scared into silence. so instead i suffered quietly, never daring to mention my same-sex attraction until my late 20s. so when i read the story of the 7 year old who ‘came out’ as gay, i couldn’t help but feel, that in spite of having parents who were largely tolerant of homosexuality, i was cheated out of the tolerant loving environment where i could have felt as confident as this boy did when it came to discussing my own orientation. my fear is many parents; including many readers will make the same mistakes as my parents. as best as i can work it out, the trick to creating that tolerant loving environment that’s safe for lgbt kids to come out into, is to talk about homosexuality with genuine warmth and love, instead of clinical distance. to avoid any mockery of homosexuality or same-sex relationships, and to tell your kids you love them and to love them more when they confide in you. we need to make more mums like amelia. please share this post with others. click the graphics below: -- 5 responses so far jan 08 2012 still going strong published by bitheway under bisexuality i just wanted to let everyone know that although this is the first update for almost 2 years. the blog is still been read and the comments still published. my main reason for not publishing was to begin with a lack of anything to say that i hadn’t really covered already. more recently its because i’d been insanely busy. of course in the last two years my views on some points of detail have changed, i’ve had new experiences, many of them very positive, and of course the blog has been bombarded with comments. your comments are typically my main source of inspiration for new responses, so keep them coming in and hopefully in 2012 i’ll be able to add a few more articles. but yeah, just a post really to let you all know this site is still active. happy 2012! please share this post with others. click the graphics below: -- 8 responses so far jun 19 2010 girls! empathy and understanding is important. published by bitheway under bisexuality , coming out i want to carry on from my last post about female reaction to bisexuality, which dealt with how straight women respond to discovering their boyfriend isn’t quite as straight as they thought he was. i also highlighted that central to many fears are abandonment issues and in my last post i promised a to discuss how we might get over them. but before i get onto that i wanted to explain in a bit more detail why i think this needs to be tackled instantly. they say time heals all, but often there isn’t much time, here’s why: upon learning their boyfriend is bisexual, women are generally hurt and afraid, but all too often they make the mistake of focussing on their own feelings rather than recognise the difficulty this presents for their boyfriends. after coming out with a big personal admission, men need reassurance too. if those admissions, especially concerning someone’s sexuality are not greeted with universal acceptance, then we put ourselves in a very emotionally delicate and vulnerable situation. we bear our souls to our girlfriends, only to be told we are liars (often only by omission), cheats (often only because we have fantasies) and that we have “ruined everything”. how do you think that feels? a little more empathy on the part of women would go a long way here. even if you can’t accept the revelation, to at least empathise and acknowledge the difficulty we must have over-come to come out, to be grateful for the trust we have demonstrated in sharing our darkest secrets. if this isn’t acknowledged it creates an emotional chasm between the two parties which can be difficult to bridge. this same chasm can cause wild and incoherent responses from men. this is because of the intense confusion, rejection and condemnation we have to suddenly rationalise whilst the woman we love stands there telling us we are inadequate. this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t acknowledge women’s hurt and women’s feelings in all of this. of course we should. in particular if they have been cheated on or deceived. but we need to know are partners are capable of moving on and won’t keep returning to square one. wounds don’t heal overnight, but they don’t heal at all if you keep picking at the scab. if a woman doesn’t seem to be able to move on, or keeps throwing her hurt back in the face of the man, then the relationship is on borrowed time, particularly if the woman failure to empathise earlier has created emotional distance. we wont wait very long for women to get over something if they singularly fail to recognise they have hurt us in the process. yes i know that women might be having to come to terms with infidelity, but frankly compared to coming out as bisexual (or being outed as bisexual) that’s something which is relatively common. a durex global sex survey found that 22% of people have had extra-marital sex, that’s not counting affairs from unmarried couples. infidelity happens very frequently, its hurtful and difficult to handle but most of us have to deal with it once or twice in our lifetimes. whereas c oming out as bisexual, is a once in a lifetime experience, for about 2% of the population. its bigger. there is more at stake. the social barriers, fear and shame that men have to over-come whilst coming out or being outed is far more intense. failure to recognise that puts your ability to rescue your relationship in serious jeopardy. please share this

URL analysis for bitheway.co.uk

http://www.bitheway.co.uk/about/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2012/02/18/the-importance-of-the-right-environment-to-come-out-into/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/bisexuality/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2010/06/19/empathy-and-understanding-is-important/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2012/01/08/still-going-strong/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/contributors/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2010/03/19/srebrenica-blame-the-gays/index.html
http://www.bitheway.co.uk/2010/06/13/female-reaction-to-male-bisexuality/index.html
feeds.bitheway.co.uk
dailymail.co.uk
guardian.co.uk
bloodban.co.uk

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  REFERRER http://www.nominet.org.uk

  REGISTRAR Nominet UK

SERVERS

  SERVER co.uk.whois-servers.net

  ARGS bitheway.co.uk

  PORT 43

  TYPE domain

DISCLAIMER
This WHOIS information is provided for free by Nominet UK the central registry
for .uk domain names. This information and the .uk WHOIS are:
Copyright Nominet UK 1996 - 2017.
You may not access the .uk WHOIS or use any data from it except as permitted
by the terms of use available in full at http://www.nominet.uk/whoisterms,
which includes restrictions on: (A) use of the data for advertising, or its
repackaging, recompilation, redistribution or reuse (B) obscuring, removing
or hiding any or all of this notice and (C) exceeding query rate or volume
limits. The data is provided on an 'as-is' basis and may lag behind the
register. Access may be withdrawn or restricted at any time.

  REGISTERED no

DOMAIN

  NAME bitheway.co.uk

NSERVER

  NS3.HOSTARTISTS.COM 87.117.246.6

  NS2.HOSTARTISTS.COM 87.117.246.5

  NS4.HOSTARTISTS.COM 87.117.246.7

  NS1.HOSTARTISTS.COM 87.117.246.4

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